The Profit Builder Unscripted

Why Self-Judgment Holds You Back (And How to Stop)

• Vicki Suiter • Episode 29

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Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or even judged?

It happened to me last week. At first, I blamed the other person, but as the day unfolded, I realized the real issue wasn’t them—it was the way I was judging myself.

This moment was a wake-up call. It reminded me how much our inner dialogue shapes our experiences.

I learned that when we stop criticizing ourselves and let go of comparison, we create space for growth, deeper relationships, and more peace in our lives.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in self-doubt or self-criticism, this episode is for you.

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welcome back to the profit Builder unscripted today we're talking about how do our thoughts uh create our experience and how can we create the experience that we would like all right let's jump in last week after leaving lunch with a A friend of mine I found myself really irritated I felt myself being really judged about something that she said to me and and my first reaction was that I wanted to I I kind of like first of all in the conversation itself I sort of wanted to lash out uh but this is somebody going through sort of a difficult time so I just held my tongue and afterwards I just I felt I felt angry and irritated and frustrated but I also felt really sad like I was like I was like all right what's that about what's the whole conversation going on in my head about what I am assuming this person how they're judging me and what I remembered as I was sort of ruminating about it on my drive home was I remembered the book that I reread not very long ago called The Four Agreements and in The First Agreement is be impeccable with your word um it's by Miguel Ruiz and is the is the the author of the book and he talks about how how we talk to ourselves and how we see ourselves and how we address ourselves is really um the thing that if we want to have a different experience of ourselves in life and if we want to have a different experience in life that it starts with how we are with ourselves and how we talk to ourselves and about ourselves and I and it so I just kept that sort of thought kept popping into my head of all right what is it that I'm judging about myself right now that I'm assuming that person is judging about me or what is it that I am what's my internal dialogue that's really going on why is this bugging me why is it irritating me what is it that it's triggered in me because that was the other thing is that I I really thought about it and I thought there's something about however she said what she said in at the moment that uh triggered some like I said irritation frustration in me but then also some sadness in me and I got to thinking all right like where did that come from like is this a was this the first time that I'd had that experience and I was like well no I I think I probably had that experience before in other moments other situations and and every time during the day when I found myself getting irritated with her and wanting to you know wanting to start some story in my head right you know how we do that right where we start a story in our head about well they're this and they're that and they don't understand this and they don't appreciate that and they're just really judgy and so on and so forth and and and those things might be true about her but I also had to I kept to remind myself that my experience was my responsibility like I get to choose the experience I have and that I reminded myself that if I didn't have some internal dialogue someone my own insecurity some of my own judgy about myself that that conversation would not have triggered me and I and during the day like I said just through my irritation I kept reminding myself of that and that night before I went to bed I just said you know I just I was like Hey Universe like let me release whatever this is and let me learn whatever it is that I'm supposed to learn from it um and I do that sometimes before I go to bed if there's something that I'm ruminating about or something I want an answer to I'll just sort of put it up to the universe and go hey like let me let me have some awareness or some understanding when I wake up maybe it comes to me in a dream or something like that and the next morning when I woke up I realized that this experience that I was having forget the circumstances or the words or the situation itself but the experience of judging myself was something from really long ago and far away that actually a picture showed up in my head of me being in fifth grade um and it was a situation where somebody I was really hurt by something that's had happened with a friend of mine and I was like oh it it just triggered something from long ago and far away that is just not true about who I am not true about my life anymore and it's an old story and in that moment when I could see how my my reaction was a judgment of myself and that and it brought up these These Old feelings that were not relevant to who I am in my life today that when I could see it and I could observe it that I could have then that moment more choice about my own experience and and I just you know and I and then it was interesting last night while I was watching um I was watching a show about uh a football player it was a three-part episode about um oh gosh and I don't remember his name um but he was talking about about a learning that he had been going through recently and he said that um his experience of life is so much uh he has so much access to so much more joy and so much more connection with other people when he's good with himself when he's done like when he is when he can appreciate himself more and when he can give himself more grace and more um care and I really as I listened to it I thought that's so awesome because it's true right like I think about my experience and my relationships with other people and the better I am with myself the better my relationships are with other people whether that's my family or friends or uh you know or colleagues or clients like the more I can be good with me and have more peace with myself the more enriching my relationships are with other people and and I'm sharing this with you because one of the things I notice it's uh like a conversation I had with this contractor this morning who was you know going on about how he wasn't enough of this and wasn't enough of that and he was being critical of himself and I said hold up man like nobody's perfect right like I get that and I think you just need to give yourself a little bit more grace here and a little bit more credit what you do is very complicated and you're very skilled at what you do now do you know everything about everything no none of us do thankfully otherwise life would be really boring and we'd never be you know continuing to learn our on our journey but I said you know maybe you could stop for a minute and rather than and he was comparing himself to somebody else which I think is always dangerous like I think that when we compare ourselves we are always setting ourselves up for disappointment regret feeling bad and it's just not useful and um and you know I I said what would happen if you just gave yourself credit for being who you are and for what you do know appreciating that you don't know everything and that there's things that you want to learn and maybe that person could be a resource for you in learning but to compare yourself is just not helpful and it's not useful because we're all here on this journey learning and growing together and nobody's perfect and I think that when we can stop judging ourselves long enough to create an opening that that opening creates an opportunity for us to be able to learn and grow right if we're so busy judging ourselves I personally find that if I have an internal dialogue in my head going well I'm not smart because this used to happen to me when I was a kid a lot that um I struggled in school because I had this conversation in my head of I'm not smart enough I'm not good enough I still there are moments in life when I'm doing something that's not my area of expertise or not something that I've done enough or you know have enough experience in that if I get that dialogue going in my head about I'm not enough that it gets in the way of my ability to be able to learn and grow and move forward in that part of my life and so you know my invitation to you today is are you being are you first of all are you being um are you comparing yourself to other people right are you being judgmental of yourself and how can you give yourself a little bit more grace and also how can you notice those moments when you're like when you're having an experience to like stop and go all right what's this really about and how can I maybe make a different choice in this moment or just to keep asking yourself CU I find that super helpful keep asking myself the question what's this really all about like why am I really irritated what am I like like that question alone sometimes and it you know and it's like I shared a story of me when I was in fifth grade but like sometimes it's just that I was disappointed about something or it was that I was embarrassed about something or something else is going on that has nothing to do with the situation at hand or that there's just more depth to the situation at hand and I just find that when we can do that as human beings when we can ask ourselves more questions about why we're having a particular experience or just notice our thoughts and notice our experience that we can have more choice about it it's when we can't even notice it and we're just in reaction that I think that it's debilitating to us and I think it holds us back from being able to have the life and the relationships in our life that we desire so I just I I maybe you will'll take something away from this I highly encourage you if you haven't read book The Four Agreements it's a great book uh The First Agreement is be impeccable with your word which has to do with how we are with ourselves the second agreement is actually I have it right here The First Agreement is be impeccable with your word the second one is don't take anything personally I love that one third one is don't make assumptions and the fourth one is always do your best so um great book really uh have it has taught me over the years I've read it a couple of different times um probably four times it's always good and it's always a good refresher so maybe you'll find that helpful for you too and uh thank you thank you for being here thank you for listening and I look forward to seeing you next time on the profit Builder unscripted

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Vicki Suiter

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